Thoughts

I'm going to be serious here for a moment. I have been thinking, and about a lot of things. I need to put my thoughts into words to stay sane.

I have been noticing some things lately:

1. Change is difficult for me to accept. I have a sort of fervor toward things new, so why is it so difficult to take hold and accelerate those changes? Or at least to not start them and then be afraid to commit to them? I suspect fear, plain and simple. The funny thing about fear is that there are so many different forms, levels and layers of it that you can spend your whole life with it and not even notice. It's so easy to cover up and push aside; even to accept and justify, but what is it really keeping us from? I have missed out on an unfathomable amount of opportunities in my life that could have done me loads of good and given me invaluable lessons, all because I did not want to come out of the safety net that held me near the things I am familiar with. And I mean the little things too. I could have been concert mistress in junior high. I could have won spelling bees or science fairs. I could have taken those dance classes and right now could be really fantastic at something that I love to do. I could have more friends, more relationships, more connections, more talents, more experience, more confidence and more fun if I would just let go of that tiny sliver of fear that keeps me from being who I really am.

2. I have been very diligent in keeping my expectations low so as to not be disappointed when things don't turn out in my favor, but for the first time I realize how difficult it is to loosen my hold on something I've already set my heart on.

3. I have always thought that I don't care what people think about me, but I really do, and I want them to think good things.

4. I have never in my life been so bemused as to which career path I should take. Ever. And I can't shake the feeling that I am running out of time.

5. I have heard it said that things can become most difficult when you are on the right path in your life, so I'm hoping that all of this signifies a happy ending, granted I stick it through.

And 6. I have never been more grateful and relieved to have the Gospel in my life and to know that it will all work out.